Dust off your headpieces and crop tops, because Coachella is finally here!
This festival has it all—music, art and a ton of people offering up all sorts of drugs for you to try.
Not sure if you should stick with smoking a joint, chugging a beer or going on a wild hallucinogenic trip with shrooms? Scroll below to discover the illicit substance your zodiac sign thinks you should try at the festival.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Adderall
The go-getter of the zodiac, you never show any signs of stopping. Your “live life in the fast lane” attitude gets you in trouble often, but you don’t care. You have no problem charming your way out of the situation. When you’re at Coachella, you’ll be fluttering from place to place, like the busy bee you are. You need a substance that’ll keep you extra energized over the three-day-long festival, and Adderall will do just the trick. Its time-release effect will keep you going strong throughout each day, while still keeping you focused on the acts you want to see. Sounds like a win-win!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Cocaine
As boujee as you are, you need a drug that will satisfy your appetite for the finer things in life. No other illicit substance will do that for you like cocaine. It’s a high-class drug for a high-class individual like yourself. So make like Halsey allegely did below, and treat yourself to a few bumps as you grind up on potential lovers during the performances of your favorite artists at Coachella.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Weed
Ruled by the twins, this is the reason there are two opposing sides to your character. You can be the life of the party one day, then you’re the most introverted person the next. You definitely need to take something that’ll satiate both halves of your personality. Weed can totally do that for you. You can switch between a Sativa or an Indica for different effects, depending on what you’re feeling. Or you could opt for the best of both worlds by smoking a hybrid. Either way, you’ll be in for one heck of a time at Coachella.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): OxyContin
Though many may not notice it, you have a lot of pent up feelings that you hide away from the outside world. You act tough, but you’re really just one big softy underneath that harsh exterior. You need to feel a lot less of this, especially if you want to thoroughly enjoy all Coachella has to offer. OxyContin makes for the perfect potent substance for you. You won’t feel a single thing. What more could you ask for?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Molly
Proud Leo, you love, love, love being the center of attention. You crave endless admiration from your peers so badly, that you’re willing to do just about anything for it. We all have our things—constant praise happens to be yours. If you really want to keep your time in the spotlight continuous, taking Molly will work for you. Once the euphoric feeling takes over, you’ll breathe new life into the festival. Everyone will remember you. Everyone.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): None
Being the perfectionist you are, you’re way too innocent and responsible to do any sort of drugs at Coachella. Because of your analytical approach to life, you can’t help but always play it safe. Risk-taking isn’t a term in your vocabulary. But that’s totally fine, because at least you’ll be the one to make sure all of your besties aren’t puking in porta potties or making out with way too many randos.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Lean (Sizzurp)
Libra, oh, Libra. You’re the type of person who’ll be joined at the hip to whomever you’re going to Coachella with—which is actually a great thing, because you tend to be the only person who can keep the peace when it all goes haywire. To add to your calming presence, find yourself sippin’ on some sizzurp to leave you even more tranquil. Ingesting this mix that includes Codeine, Sprite and Jolly Rancher will have you feeling cool as a clam, even when the festival chaos comes out swingin’!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): PCP
You’re a true mystery, Scorpio. Not a single soul has you figured out and you intend on keeping it that way. One thing’s for sure: You’re full of passion and don’t let anything hold you back from following through with your plans. No one is willing to take more risks than you, which is why such a dangerous substance like PCP could only be enjoyed by a Scorpio. It’s wild, but so are you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Shrooms
Free-spirited and adventurous Sagittarius, you’re the first one people call when they want to try something new or go somewhere they’ve never been before, because you’re always down. You’d literally drop whatever you’re doing to take a trip to some far off place. While you can’t always be in a new place every second, tripping on shrooms at Coachella will make you feel like you’re on another planet while you’re listening to musicians perform or checking out the art installations.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Alcohol
Acting a little uptight and controlling at times, you often get a bad rap for being boring and dull. But that’s not the case. You know how to let loose and have a good time, but you definitely set your parameters, of course. This is why gulping down all the alcohol at Coachella would suit your needs best. You’d be able to enjoy yourself, but not too much to the point where others would be worried about your safety. Chug! Chug! Chug!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Ketamine
While you’re known for being the humanitarian of the zodiac, the thought of being surrounded by hordes and hordes of people doesn’t really wet your whistle. You’d much rather spend your days indoors with no one but yourself as your only company. Unfortunately, you paid a ton of money to be at Coachella, so it’d be a waste not to go. You really need something that’ll sedate you, so say hello to Ketamine. You won’t feel at all irritated by the monsters surrounding you, because this drug will keep you in a peaceful trance all weekend long (provided you don’t overdo it and put yourself in a temporarily paralyzing “K-Hole”).
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Xanax
You’re that one friend who constantly puts everyone else’s needs above their own, which is fine and all… until it’s not. Listen, people have their own lives and sometimes they don’t need you to hold their hand through it. Sorry to be blunt, but you had to hear it from somebody. Coachella is time for you to sit back, relax and take a chill pill—aka Xanax. You’ll be able to keep your cool like no other, thanks to this handy-dandy substance.
